I am Grey. I stand between the candle and the star. We are Grey.  
We stand between the darkness and the light.  Delenn, Babylon 5

I was recently told to stop telling someone that I was happy for them because my congratulations were sounding insincere.  I was very startled and asked for that to be expanded because in this case, I was not being just poite and really was happy for the other.  I was told that the recipient could see that I "didn't really mean them".  I had to pull back and think hard about what it was that I was saying and how it was coming across. 

I pride myself on being sincere -- how could saying that I was happy for someone come across as ringing hollow?

The answer I came up with is that there are layers of reactions when one hears good news about another.   First there is the surface emotion -- the "oh how nice" reactions.  This is what most people see -- the flame of the candle

Then there is this darker part, the me I am not always proud of and reactions I seldom express.  This is the part that hears of anothers' good fortunes and starts to wail "I never win...  or good things like that never happen to me ... or why THEM and not ME... or it isn't fair" or any number of self-pitying reactions.  This angst can be felt by someone who is sensitive even when I don't say a word.  I don't like this part of myself.  It makes me feel both small and mean, and  I work very hard to keep it hidden away and rigidly contained -- the dark space between the candle and the flame.  Not everything here is fit for public consumption!   I am always afraid when someone sees this part of me because I am afraid it will disgust them and they will turn away from me, so I try to hide it and risk seeming a hypocrite.
 
Below is the part of me that I consider my core, where the real me lives -- not the surface reaction, not the ego-centric angst, but the heart-spring of my being. I take for granted that when people see me that they see the whole picture, candle  In this particular case, I really AM very happy for the person.  I would love to talk to them and hear their plans and even help if I can, but I no longer can be sure that I am projecting enough of myself to let them know that.

Before others can see past my flaws, I have to accept them. 

I am grey.  I stand between the candle and the star. We are Grey. We stand between the darkness and the light