Carol H Tucker Passionate about knowledge management and organizational development, expert in loan servicing, virtual world denizen and community facilitator, and a DISNEY fan
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beladona Memorial Be warned:in this very rich environment where you can immerse yourself so completely, your emotions will become engaged -- and not everyone is cognizant of that. Among the many excellent features of SL, there is no auto-return on hearts, so be wary of where your's wanders...
In the course of satisfying the HR compliance requirements for annual training, our staff sat through a mandatory harassment training course. What struck me was the reiteration that the “intent” of an interaction was not the determining factor in what was or was not harassment, what mattered was the “impact” of the words or actions. It is all about how the recipient [or observers] of your words and/or actions react.
For example, suppose you impulsively told someone that they were “looking real good that day”. Your intent was to give a compliment because the appearance just struck you positively. But let’s postulate the person you were complimenting didn’t like the way that you worded it, or objected to the tone of your voice, or felt your body language was conveying something lewd or derogatory. Right there, you have a complaint in the making for harassment, a complaint that could potentially ruin a relationship, damage your career, or even end your employment. And that does not even begin to address the legal ramifications!
Now I am not going to get into the mechanics and nuances of bullying, etc – it exists. It happens. I am not going to get into whether or not the laws and the training actually mean no one has to work in a hostile environment. I am not complaining about the HR compliance regulations that mandate sitting in a stuffy room, watching a video, and participating in a discussion once a year. I am not even going to inveigh against, or make fun of, of the constant need to be “politically correct” [well at least not this go around]. No, the training was a reminder and affirmation of my contention that perceptions triumph every time, and if you cannot change the perception, you cannot alter the outcome. The training triggered reflections on the fact that I can trigger a negative interaction cycle without intending to, and that no matter how I strive to set it right, once that cycle is started, my intentions are irrelevant because the other parties’ perceptions rule and dictate their response to me – and they have just as much right to their perception as I have to mine. I am reminding myself that how another person reacts to me is not in the realm of my control and may be outside the realm of my influence.
I have many examples of this in my life, as we all do. And of course, there are just as many examples I am sure when the other parties felt that my reactions were totally off the scale of reasonability and comprehension as well! I didn’t know what I didn’t know about the others in the interactions, and the impact of what was said and done was totally unanticipated. Even when the results are not salubrious, I have to accept the outcome, neh? Once I have examined my intentions and accepted accountability for my actions, I have to let my reactions to what happened go. [besides, I do NOT like being accused of being “passive aggressive” when I am trying to explain myself, and the tale would be only from my personal perceptions….] I will comment that online and long distance relationships seem especially prone to misunderstandings, judging by times when no matter what I said or did, no matter how good my intentions or how intense my feelings, everything soured. So while originally I was going to share a couple specific stories to prove my point, I think I’ll just stick to the lesson learned -- HR is right.
It has nothing to do with the “intention” and everything to do with the “impact”.
Or, as I used to tell my kids, the law of physics when applied to relationships is: For every action, there is an opposite and not necessarily equal reaction
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